It’s Panto Time –
OH, NO IT ISN’T! – OH YES IT IS!
I have seen quite a few great Panto’s since my son Howie started appearing as a very saucy Dame! Thought I would try my hand at updating one a bit.
A miserable grey Monday morning, rain sliding down the window panes, and inside a Social Services meeting to discuss a seriously dysfunctional family; the Hardups of Hardup Hall. They had been keeping an eye on little Cinderella ever since her father the Baron remarried, and though they could never actually prove that the child was at risk, they knew she had been ill-used by her stepmother and two stepsisters. Drusilla, the case worker, stared despondently at her files.
“Cinderella is so beautiful, and such a brilliant cook. She could get a top job, be on Bake Off, anything, but she won’t leave that wastrel father”.
“Well”, sighed the psychiatrist, “she’s eighteen now, and out of our remit. We’ll still keep an eye, perhaps a monthly visit, but informal, Drusilla, informal. Now, we have had an urgent request to provide counselling for all the King’s Men who had to pick up the pieces after that terrible egg accident …”
Hardup Hall was chaotic. There was a Palace Ball that night, for the Prince to find a wife. A haphazard way of doing it you might think, but that’s Ruritania.. Everyone wanted everything at the same time, like NOW, and Cinderella and the valet/ butler/ footman/ boot-boy, Buttons were fetching and carrying all the finery and the jugs of hot water, then struggling to lace up the corsets of the two Ugly Sisters tightly enough to make them vaguely resemble the shapes of the dresses they were planning to wear. All the time a screaming match was going on as to which one was going to catch the Prince’s eye, and become HRH. Cinderella and Buttons exchanged a secret smile, “Dream on girls” it said.
Strange that Cinderella, the beautiful heiress of Hardup Hall had not been invited to the Ball? Not really. Her invitation had been destroyed by her Wicked Stepmother and her thoughtless father didn’t even notice she wasn’t going. The Baron’s credit cards had been sorely stretched to kit out the rest of the family for this do at the Palace. He was staking everything on one of the girls scoring with the Prince, and solving all his financial problems. Looking at the pair now, he winced and poured himself another whiskey, before shepherding them into the hired carriage and setting off for the Palace.
At last, Cinderella was able to relax in the kitchen with Buttons and the assortment of rats and mice that milled around the floor. Cinderella’s standards of hygiene in this respect were remarkably lax.
“Oh, Buttons”, sighed Cinders, “how I wish we could have got the catering contract for the Ball. What a showcase that would have been for us, everybody who is anybody will be there”
Just then a shabby old woman entered the kitchen. “Oh Hello”, said Cinders recognising her as the bag lady from outside Tesco. She’d been slipping her the Hardups’ loyalty tokens for some time.
“Hello my dear”, said the old lady eyeing some scones cooling on the table.
“Help yourself”, said Cinders glumly. She did.
“You have been kind to me my dear, and I would like to help you. What’s the trouble”? At least I think that’s what she said, her mouth was full of scone. Cinders couldn’t see what this old rag bag could do, but she gently told her of her hopes, giving a quick rundown of the viability of her business plan, and an estimate of the capital investment required.
At this the old lady threw off her shabby cloak, revealing a glittering fairy costume, and announced herself as Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother. This sort of thing happens a lot in Ruritania, so Cinders wasn’t unduly surprised.
“I thought I must have one somewhere,” she said. “I don’t wish to criticise, but what kept you? Where were you when I was being bullied and tormented all these years?” Ignoring these pertinent queries, the Fairy launched into her standard fairy patter. Cinderella could have the one wish of her lifetime, whatever was her heart’s desire. Quick as a flash, Cinders asked to cater for the Ball. She was so excited she didn’t notice the look of disappointment on Buttons’ face. We all know what he was hoping she would wish for don’t we?
“No problem”, said the fairy, and in the usual twinkling she had provided all the cooking ingredients, smart uniforms for Buttons and Cinders, and with a swish of her wand over the rats and mice a collection of chefs and waitresses smartly clad in black and white. Then ‘Swish’, ‘Swish’, in the place of a large pumpkin a smart white van appeared with ‘Buttonella, Catering to the Aristocracy’ printed on its side. Cinders, Buttons and the rodents, sorry, staff, worked tirelessly, and the food at the Ball was a huge success. There was also, even to a sweet natured girl like Cinderella, the satisfaction of seeing her stepsisters trying to get off with the Prince when it was obvious that he had eyes for nobody but the stunning Princess, who had arrived out of the blue, uninvited.
There was some sort of mix up at midnight, when the mystery princess suddenly legged it leaving her tiny glass slipper behind.
“Poor girl”, thought Cinders, “her feet must have been killing her”. She couldn’t give the matter much thought though, as she had her work cut out clearing everything away.
(I did tell you all that stuff about the magic ending at midnight – didn’t I?)
Back at Hardup Hall Cinders and Buttons flopped down exhausted, and the rodents scuttled off to their rodent beds, well satisfied with their pay of all that remained from the extensive palace cheese board.
“The night of my life, Buttons. Just once my dreams have come true”, yawned Cinders. “Maybe not just once”, said Buttons with a grin. “Before we changed back, I hid that fat cheque that the Grand Vizier gave us in a crevice in the palace garden wall. Maybe it will still be there, and ‘Hey Presto’! (He’d picked up some of the fairy’s more vulgar idioms), we can start our own business.”
“Buttons you’re wonderful!”, cried Cinders throwing her arms around him and giving him a great big kiss. To her surprise she quite enjoyed it. The Ugly Sisters came home fuming about the beautiful princess and the business with the glass slipper. A cheap publicity stunt they thought, to get into the Sunday Papers. However, they were talking to themselves, as Cinders and Buttons had sneaked off to their beds. Undressing that lot was the last thing they wanted!
Next morning the Prince arrived with Dandini, and the proclamation saying that he would marry the woman whomsoever the slipper fitted. Another rather arbitrary way of choosing one’s life partner, you might think, but not in Ruritania. The sisters tried to force their enormous feet into the slipper, but to no avail. Cinders didn’t even bother trying. She was too busy handing round home made smoked salmon vol au vents and her famous almond savoury biscuits. Suddenly, a messenger arrived, announcing that the mystery Princess was staying at the Travel Lodge and was literally hopping mad, without her slipper which had to be returned to ‘Rent a Glitz’ by midday or she would have to pay for another day’s hire. I think she was from a very poor Kingdom, so it was perhaps as well that she was so very beautiful. The Prince, greatly relieved, snatched up the slipper and left, pausing only to instruct Dandini to book Cinders to cater for the wedding.
Buttons and Cinderella sat late into the night doing their sums and working on menus. They had enough cash for the basic ingredients, they could even rent another van, but nothing for hiring staff. As they talked they looked down and saw many pairs of beady black rodent eyes looking up at them wistfully. Cinders reassured them that she would gladly employ them but that their current manifestations would never get past the Health Inspector. At this point the Fairy reappeared, hoping for more scones. She said she would love to help, but the regulations clearly stated only one wish per person per life. Of course, Buttons still had his life’s wish … Poor Buttons! But he was a sensible lad and realising that Cinderella’s love had to be given, not magicked, he shut his eyes tight and wished for the transformation of the animals. When he opened them again he saw Cinderella gazing at him with a look that said “Of course I do Buttons!”. (Sorry if this is getting a bit mushy).
“By the way” she said. “what is your proper name? I can’t go on calling you Buttons.” Turns out it was Stuart Higginbottom. Cinderella Higginbottom? Well, you can’t have everything, even in a fairy story.
Of course the Prince and Princess did marry, with the most sumptuous wedding feast ever seen. In the meantime, the stepmother, seeing that all was up with Hardup, deserted him and married a used car salesman from Basildon. It would be nice to say that the Ugly Sisters, without their wicked mother egging them on, tuned out to be quite decent girls who married well and are now living in the Home Counties. Well, actually, they did.
Buttons and Cinderella married too, and ‘Buttonella Catering – by Royal Appointment’ went on to become an International Hotel Chain. Unfortunately, Ruritania TV was still showing Delia Smith repeats, so Cinders never got her chance of media fame. Hardup Hall became Company Headquarters, and faithful Cinderella provided a comfortable flat there for her father in his old age. But the Baron preferred to spend his time with her, Stuart and the grandchildren, or propping up the bars of their many hotels telling tall stories of his past to anyone who would listen. Anything rather that stay at Hardup Hall and eat in the staff canteen. All that cheese!
The prince never became King as revolting peasants managed to overthrow the monarchy soon afterwards. After they had fled to live in ‘abject poverty’ on their own Caribbean Island it was discovered that the princess’s wardrobe contained over a thousand pairs of glass slippers.